♥ED support community, Australians & New Zealands♥'s Journal
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♥ED support community, Australians & New Zealands♥

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[31 May 2008|05:00pm]

horrible day.
I feel terrible.
I was trying on my whole wardrobe and just thinking how fat I am.
A. I could go for a run.
B. sit at home and contemplate suicide
C. struggle with wanting to eat my heart out becuase it feels like no matter how long and hard I starve im not loosing.
D. try and take my mind of the whole subject.
E. post an entry =)
I want to be in control but right now im shaking and my head feels weird.
my wish is to drive into a middle of an isolated field, get out and just scream for minutes, hours however long it takes for thing to be ok.
3 commentscomment

[27 May 2008|09:41pm]


 told my friend about what ive been doing...REGRET! I told her becuase she knew before when things were pretty bad. I can hardly stand her these days we used to be like sister close. After I told her (very practically, no dramatics) she said "again!" i felt like saying yeah becuase I just went normal for awhile and then I decided Id start again pffft I dont expect her to understand that its something that may never go away but meh. After that she got angry with me becuase I have refused to tell my therapist about it. so I sent her a message that a may not be eating well but im not doing any exercise and havent lost any weight, and that if she felt to much pressure in me telling her those kinds of things I wouldnt.
but what im also really scared of is when i see her again which is the 14th of June she will think "wow for someone whos starving herself she hasnt lost any weight."
in other news I go to the gym everyday and burn 800 calories this makes me happy lol :)

wow, nothing too big has happened on aussie today! 
I put it down to that fact that tuesdays are v. slow and often severly boring

3 commentscomment

rather light hearted rambles.. [26 May 2008|02:27pm]


last year I went to thailand to volunteer, there was this girl there and boy did she love to eat but she was pretty fit aswell she went for a run every morning.
her biggest love was ice-cream she could eat two pints of it in one day:)
anyway the funny thing was she was always trying to loose weight (she was fairly big)
anyway the day we left she said to me "ill email you when im size zero"
and then she said to the thai people we had been living with
"I wil come back and eat ice-cream when im size anorexic"
this made me laugh so much, so I thought id share, even though one probably had to be there. 
on a progress of julias boring starving regeme (I like to mock my relationship with food) ive gone down a size. as usual it just still isnt good enough
funny thing I saw the other day, its not quoting anyone out of this community btw
"I already DO anorexia, how else can I loose weight?"
thats what im going to say to someone one day...I think it would be a hilarity!

hope everyone is having a glorious monday.

4 commentscomment

[21 May 2008|10:25am]

8 commentscomment

[18 May 2008|01:26pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

01. Name: Julia

02. Age: 16
03. Gender: Female
04. State/city: western australia
05. Occupational/Student status:  *sigh* year 12
06. Current ED:  Anorexia EDNOS
07. Co-Morbidity: atm depression, im working on that :P
08. History of ED: started at the end of year 8 when i was 13.
09. Something interesting or unique about yourself:  hmmm I have to think about that one
10. Three things you appreciate:  my dog, friends, family
11. Three things you like about yourself: apparently i have a good sense of humour :S as for the other two i shall have to pass
12. Something you would like to achieve:
I would really like to travel around the world...more times then one, like working for pilot guides :)
14. Anything else you’d like to add? (ie. More about yourself? Pictures?) not that i can think of
14. How did you find this community? Exploring LJ
15. Anything you would like to contribute to the community, or ideas for improving the community:  :S no, I havent been here long enough
16. BMI: 19
17. Height: 168
18. Current weight:  55
19. LW (at this height): 45 kg
20. HW (at this height): 58kg
21. STGW: 48 kg.
22. LTGW:  45kg<lj-cut>

hello everyone,
im new Im quite nervous about joining this community :) but im glad to read posts and feel like im not the only one who feels the way I do, its nice to relate. anyway I hope your all going well...im not too sure what to say first post. I dont know if my cut actually worked as a cut...hope so!

7 commentscomment

[18 May 2008|05:30pm]

[ mood | happy ]

5 commentscomment

[18 May 2008|01:07pm]

so as of today im really going to start trying. ive moved into a new place and im hoping it will bring with it good health, both physically and emotionally. ive said goodbye to the destructive relationship with my mother and am once again all alone. but i like my own company. i can focus on my goals in my own space. i saw my psychiatrist last thursday as i do every thursday and had a breakdown. it felt like breaking point. my mother has just been so mean to me and i couldnt stand it anymore. she suggested i come into hospital because i was in such a state but i convinced her i would be fine. i will be fine *hopes*. now that im away from that horrible place i used to call home.

i got up this morning at 6am and went for an hour walk. it felt great. its the first time ive summonsed the energy and motivation to do anything physical in about a month. because ive been so depressed and miserable. but today is going to be a good day i can feel it. a good week. im much happier here.

i managed to have breakfast which i am very proud of ^^ porridge and oj. plus i had some yoghurt for morning tea and a vegemite sandwich for lunch with a glass of vegetable juice. haha i find it much easier to get my veggies down in juice form, V8 rocks ^^. i plan on having some tuna and crackers this afternoon and then steamed fish and veggies for dinner. averaging about 1000-1200 calories for the day in total. that scares me but im trying to get well ad i guess getting well is going to be a little scary.

but its a little less scary knowing all of you are on my side ^^

hope you all have lovely days ^^

much love
3 commentscomment

[18 May 2008|10:12am]

So a few things...first of all i am quite offended. I was talking to my best friend from next door last night who is bulimic and she knows I am too but she proceeds to tell me that SHE has an eating disorder and she doesn't think that I do yet...she thinks i have 'fucked up eating patterns'. And that what she is going through is MAJOR and that people with eating disorders try and hide it. I'm sorry but who have I been telling about it apart from her because I thought she'd understand and writing it on here because my mind is about to explode. Wow. I'm really frustrated. I know I have a problem and ONE DAY i will need help but i'm not in the right state of mind to accept it now.

Also I had to go out for vietnamese lunch yesterday. We were at the restaurant for 3 hours and the bathrooms were so busy and right near our table so I couldn't purge there and I was almost in tears, I did as soon as I got home though. And my cousin was like do you eat any more, you are minnie. And i was like yeah i eat and she's like i don't think so. And she's like i went through the whole skinny thing and i wasnt healthy i'm just concerned. Which is nice but i get embarrassed when people ask. Also the same cousin announced her engagement at the lunch and I'm a bridesmaid.

But still I am freaking annoyed that someone who is my best friend tried to tell me i don't have a problem. But then she goes on asking me if i'm ready to get help etc...argh what the hell!!!!
1 commentcomment

[17 May 2008|12:33am]


I never post in here anymore, but I DO read everything - haha, lurker much??


Does anyone else here have Fox? And did anyone else here happen to catch that documentary 'Thin' which was on tonight? What did you think? (May have been on before, too...)

I didn't realise how close to home it hit. I noticed around halfway-through that I had been shredding up all these tissues whilst watching.
2 commentscomment

JUDDD/thinking [15 May 2008|11:50pm]

[ mood | calm ]

Do you ever feel like you don't have an ED and that you're kind of normal and think "how can someone not think/be like this?" Today i've had lots of food and didn't purge except for in the morning and I felt like I was.. cured and didn't have an ED at all and that i'm just like everyone else.

I don't know.

I going to start JUDDD tomorrow.. Well I started today on my "up" day. I think it will be okay for me.. starve one day , binge another..

Anyone tried it? Is it good/does it work??


EDIT: Does anyone ever get really excited to eat something? When I have work on weekends from 11-4 I usually don't eat til I get home which can be around 5:30 and I get extremely like excited to eat something I have prepared like a salad or some roast sweet potato or something.. really excited. it'll be on my mind for hours before I eat it. Or sometimes I go after the gym straight after work so around 4.20 - 6, and then during the whole work out I'm thinking about the food, but sometimes I kind of convince myself not to eat it.. and the more I think while working out I don't want to eat it.. and its the biggest waste of time.. Thinking about a salad for 2 hours..And then I don't end up eating it.

5 commentscomment

Feminism/Stupid imposed ideals. [15 May 2008|10:41pm]

Now this REALLY annoyed me.

So I'm sure I've mentioned I'm doing "A streetcar named desire" in literature and I absolutely ADORED the book. Now my literature teacher constantly raves on about how the book is critical of the fact that women used to be and sadly still are asserted through their sexuality and behavious. Women are expected to be demure, virginal but still are objectified as a "sexual reward" for men.

Now what does this have to do with eating disorders?

Well, I JUST went downstairs and saw my dad talking to a guy working at his shop who I know casually. I walked up to him, said hello and grabbed a glass of water and as I walked passed he said "yeah she's slim now" as though it was OK to objectify ME through my weight and appearance. I was so enraged but he was a guest so I gave him the most digusted look I could give. 

I hardly now this guy but he kept eying me as I walked upstairs...which is gross because he's almost 30-of course my dad didn't notice/care about any of this.

My point however is that when did it become OK for men to judge women based on her sexuality, her appearance or her friggin' weight?


I HATED that he completely overlooked me as a person and only cared about the fact I'd lost weight. I was never friends with him but there was no conversation about my studies or anything else. I don't CARE if my weight loss is noticeable-we're NOT close enough for him to comment on it. Fucking misogynistic pig. 

 I'm sorry that I'm outraged it's just that besides my body I work extremely hard at school to obtain the best results-and when the things I REALLY am proud of are sidelined for things I am ashamed of rather than happy about(my weight) I get so annoyed.

Do men ALWAYS do that? I mean, it was just so rude and disgusting to see him say that and THEN to stare at me. I felt completely naked and alone. 


Well, atleast I kind of understand how Blanche feels...what a sad, regressive society we live in :(
12 commentscomment

Most embarrassing thing! [15 May 2008|12:28pm]

Oh god. I didn't eat all day yesterday and then i decided i felt like eating a few specific things. so i went to safeway with mum at like 6pm..i bought pringles and donuts and breakfast cereal and fruit toast and pasta that i had to make for my sisters dinner and mum was buying normal food for the house too..and then i'm in the chocolate isle when i see this guy who i've known for ever coz he went to the school near mine and my neighbour actually took him home the other night haha and i hooked up with him like once 2 years ago..any ways hes like hey what are you doing and he looks in my shopping basket and he's like wow you're eating. i was so embarrassed because the other day i heard how one of these guys friends said i had looked too skinny for ages. and he saw me with all this crap in my basket! im scared hes going to like mention it to everyone. of course i came home and waited for my sister to get home and we ate then i showered and purged. blah.
12 commentscomment

[15 May 2008|01:41am]

New MemberCollapse )
6 commentscomment

[14 May 2008|02:13pm]

Hey everyone. I'm new here. I'm 19 and live in Melbourne. I'm anorexic and bulimic. I'm 5'5 and weigh 48kgs at the moment. I also have depression which i'm on medication for. I find everything really hard, my best friend also has bulimia but we aren't allowed to talk about our weight or anything to each other. She lives next door to me. People I know are trying to be nice and trying to make me get help saying they'll come with me and everything and it makes me panic so much because I don't want to be forced into anything. I just want to basically disappear.
6 commentscomment

hey im back ^^ [14 May 2008|01:59pm]

hi girls....this is my new username. some of you may remember me introducing myself as xinflictedx
i had to change journals, i hated what that one had become
and the communities i was a member of were all wrong
i kept my userpic coz i likes it ^^
anywho a link to my intoductory post:

sorry i havent been posting but ive been feeling down =[
very unmotivated and sad. plus things have come to an end at home and i have to move out which is depressing coz i love my house and my cats. but my mother is just mean to me all the time for no reason which makes me feel depressed.
so im moving on saturday to newmarket (brisbane) and am really looking forward to being able to control the food thats around me ^^

although i havent been posting i read daily. i havent been commenting even tho i want to coz ive been reading under my other non ED journal harm_me. maybe i seem like an LJ whore but theres some things i keep private XD like my self harm. btw does anybody else self harm? ive been trying not to lately because im studying nursing and the scars are just not a good career move XD

so yah i havent been commenting coz i didnt want you guys to be like "who the fuck is this commenting all of a sudden? o_O"
but i will be in here more often now to support ya all. looking forward to it as soon as im settled in my new place.

i went to my first therapy session today. the psychologist was really nice.
i cried. i felt so wierd crying about my ED. i guess its because ive never talked about it before
i was hoping to do more CBT but this therapist seems to know where shes going
im still feeling apprehensive about therapy/recovery.

anyway just thought id drop a line...let you all know im still around
haha its wierd. ive been watching this community for about a year so i know all of you really well but you havent really had a chance to get to know me. i dunno thats just wierd. it feels like ive been silently stalking you all lol.

5 commentscomment

[13 May 2008|10:44pm]

[ mood | crappy ]

hi guys,
i am new to this community.
i am 17 and live in Melbourne.
i have had an ED for just over a year now.
i was 44kg last year, however at the moment i am 50kg.
ahhh the stresses of year 12.
i just cannot stop eating.
and i am too cold to start exercising at the moment.
i know, that is really lazy. But i cant help putting it off.
i always make excuses for myself like "aahhh i have too much h/w"
then I hate myself soon afterwards.
i really have to lose my weight again but this time i need support and MOTIVATION


9 commentscomment

Scared. [09 May 2008|08:34pm]

[ mood | deeply afraid ]

I am lucky to have a big park right in front of my house. We're in the middle of moving though. Typical anorexic thinking- will I still be able to go walking when we move? I am really freaking out big time because I love going for a walk/run everyday in the park right close by. I'm thinking of asking mum if I can get my treadmill back. (It is currently at my nanna and grandad's house since I was first diagnosed as anorexic and banned from using it). Exercise is always on my mind. When I am going to do it, how and for how long. I'm scared of not having the chance. I am so afraid of gaining weight.

1 commentcomment

Can exercise make you fat? [07 May 2008|11:12pm]

[ mood | frustrated ]

Can exercise make you fat? I feel so huge and I've been working so hard! Here are my last few days of exercise:

1.5hour gym workout in the morning with lots of weight work like 387342873982 lunges with 4kilos in each hand which killed, and swiss ball workouts and other leg workouts etc for about 45 minutes. The rest of the time it was cardio, going hard out on high levels for as long as I can (1-2 minutes) then slower but still fast, and repeat. For my last 20 minutes I ran on the treadmill with an incline of 3 and I would run at 13.5km an hour for as long as I could which isn't long maybe 2 minutes and then I'd lower ot 12km for a minute then 11km for a minute and then 10.5km for about two minutes, then a 9.5km "rest" for 2 minutes, and then start again. Then a cool down/stretch.
I then repeated this 1.5 hour workout in the afternoon.

My ass / thighs/arms/tummy were SOOOO incredibly sore. I could feel myself jiggle with every step i took and I felt like jelly. I did about 1 hour various cardio at the gym even though it absolutely killed! But i forced it.

Sunday:Still extremely sore and had work so no work out.

Monday: A repeat of Friday but with arm exercises and tummy exercises because my arse/legs still killed. + fast walk home from school which takes about 45 minutes (i get really warmed up)

Tuesday: Lots of cardio, like Friday and lots of new ab exercises and some lunges with the 4kilo weights. + walk home from school 45 minutes

Wednesday: A 45 minute spin class ( i put in effort!), followed by 15minutes on the cross trainer machine and then 5 minutes on this weird cybex machine and 15 minutes doing that treadmill run that I do.

What am I going wrong?! I push myself! I get very sore! its not mindless cardio like I can't watch TV or anything and I sweat like crazy and get exhausted! I feel like I am getting even more huge.. And I eat so little(compared to "normal" people)! I basically don't eat until 4pm (except for coffee and now I've switched to some natural non caffeine stuff coz I heard caffeine makes you fat) and then have mostly vegetables, usually a couple slices of cheese, maybe a peice of fruit etc.. And a lot of the time I purge. its just so frustrating ! I deserve to be thin!
And I got a "truthbox" application on Myspace (its where people can send you anonymous messages about what they think of you) and I got someone saying How they think I'm seriously fat and another saying Im ghetto, and they call fat chicks ghetto :( and I don't have an enemies on myspace or anything.

ArgH! Im so frustated! Can exercise make you fat? I feel like im expanding rapidly, and when my parents went away in the holidays a few weeks back I had no exercise for 5 days except two light walks and I ate quite a bit and I didn't feel so expanded? I actually read something about how cardio "makes you store fat"! I haven't weighed myself in a very long time.


7 commentscomment

Re-new Me. [07 May 2008|04:02pm]

Last entry wasn't the best.
I've taken two steps back, but now it's time to take a leap forward.

Any suggestions for diets which have worked for others?
Also recommendations for exercises at the gym which help shed kilo's quickly?
I admit that I need to be pushed sometimes.
1 commentcomment

[06 May 2008|06:01pm]

[ mood | thoughtful ]

hey everyone,

i think i have been doing okay lately.. i havent been strictly counting calories but im guessing about 500-700 a day which is okay for me to be losing weight. It's hard being a full time student and not eating much due to the lack of concerntration etc... does anyone else have this problem??? well obviously some of you would which brings me to my next question.. how do you guys improve your concerntration and things like that?? ive tried sugar free energy drinks but they do jack all for me. moo.

this may also be a controversial subject but... what are your opinions on *deep breath* 'Thinspirational Images'? Call me cliche but i actually find them really useful and motivational. i have a huuuge folder on my computer full of these kind of images and whenever i feel like eating i go look at some of my favourites and it makes it so much easier not to eat after that.
But back to you guys... like or dislike? lame or not lame?

anyways so far i have had *calculates*... 450ish calories but possibly more. i dont want to eat anything else today but i feel so weak that i probably will.

hope you are all doing well

4 commentscomment

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